By Deb Boelkes
Do you recall the first time you learned the concept of respect? Does it seem to you that today’s society understands and lives by this fundamental principle?
Based on the pervasiveness of cancel culture, the hiring and firing of employees based solely on gender or skin color, the rampant stealing and destruction of property, and other flagrant violations of the rule of law, it almost seems as though respect has become passé. In my humble opinion, it’s time we bring respect back to the forefront—in our personal lives, in our communities, and in our workplaces.
In August I began a series of posts spotlighting important characteristics of moral character and virtuous leadership. I began the series by asking the question, “Who’s responsible for developing virtuous leaders?” As I stated in that inaugural post, it’s up to each of us to be role models of virtuous leadership. Being respectful to others and being deserving of the same in return is fundamental to being a virtuous leader.
At the time, I commended the Cornerstone Classical Academy in Jacksonville, FL—a publicly funded charter school for K-8th grade students—for its mission to become a wellspring of future leaders….where every student will build a solid foundation of knowledge, discipline, virtue, and character. As one of its pillars of virtue, Cornerstone emphasizes the discipline of Respect:
We believe all people have inherent human value deserving of kind and just treatment. Our attitude toward others and their property reflects the way we wish to be treated, regardless of individual differences.
The discipline of respect is a lesson that some in our society have apparently failed to learn. Think about the people and situations in your life that taught you the difference between respect and disrespect.
I clearly remember the first time my mother taught me the concept of respecting my elders. I must have been about four years old on that day when my mom called me in from outside to show me that I had left the bathroom sink in disarray and instructed me to clean it up. As children do, I indignantly asked “Why?”
I’ll never forget her response: “We clean up our own messes out of respect for other people. In this case, it’s how you show respect for the next member of the family or guest who will use this room. No one wants to use a messy bathroom.”
I begrudgingly put away my toothbrush, wiped up the sink, and then properly hung the hand towel on the towel bar. But then, when I thought she had left the room, I turned toward the door and stuck out my tongue at what I thought was her shadow. Unfortunately, she saw me do that—and responded with firm instruction on the dos-and-don’ts of respect for my elders. I never made that mistake again.
Fast forward to my college days, as a student at UCLA. I loved watching our national championship basketball team practice and play games at UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion under the guidance of the legendary coach, John Wooden. Just observing how he coached and demonstrated respect for each of the young men on the team was a lesson in itself. Coach Wooden was well-known for giving his team instructions to “respect every opponent, but fear no one,” and “remember you are as good as anybody, but you’re no better than anyone else.”
More importantly, Coach Wooden was consistent in his teachings. When the team travelled to away games, he expected his players to respect and be courteous to everyone, from flight attendants to hotel and wait staff. Coach Wooden credited his father for teaching him to treat all people with dignity and respect.
Fast forward again to my days working for IBM, a company that I dearly loved. As I shared in my book Heartfelt Leadership, the IBM culture taught me something I have carried with me to this day as the bedrock of my personal leadership philosophy: IBM’s principle of Respect for the Individual. This basic belief in the importance of respecting everyone’s rights and dignity stemmed from IBM’s three foundational principles that leaders should:
- Help each employee to develop their potential and make the best of their abilities
- Pay and promote on merit, and
- Maintain two-way communications between manager and employee, with opportunity for a fair hearing and equitable settlement of disagreements.
No matter where my career took me after my tenure at IBM, my continued adherence to IBM’s basic belief in Respect for the Individual has never failed me.
Fast forward again to shortly after Dr. Mark and I co-founded this website a decade ago. It was then that I came across an eye-opening article featuring another legendary UCLA leader, David T. Feinberg, M.D., about how, as the CEO, he treated his customers with respect and compassion. While Feinberg today serves as Chairman of Oracle Health, much can be learned from this story of how he led UCLA Health. The message that so resonated with me was this: “I want people to be treated like they’re a member of my own family.”
These days, after all my years in the corporate world, and after all the time I spent raising my family, and after all the time I’ve spent interviewing and writing about amazing Heartfelt Leaders, I’ve come to this conclusion: Respect starts at home and spreads from there. Wherever you go, treat people like family.
But one can’t assume everyone learns respect at home.
Therefore, it’s important to serve as a role model of virtuous leadership and treat people with respect and dignity everywhere you go. Always be a teacher, like UCLA’s Coach John Wooden and Dr. David Feinberg, and like the founder and staff of the Cornerstone Classical Academy. Treat people the way you wish to be treated, regardless of your individual differences.
It’s incumbent upon each of us to show and teach respect to those in our charge, as though they are our family. It doesn’t matter if they are your children, or your students, or your staff, or your mentees, or your elders, or simply someone in your community seeking advice or a helping hand. Treat everyone the way you would like to be treated—with dignity and respect.
What you teach could be a lesson that will last a lifetime. No wonder it’s called The Golden Rule.