By Deb Boelkes
As a child, did you ever say to your mom or dad, “But that’s not fair!”?
I know I did. I specifically recall a time when I was 7 or 8 years old, after my dad had come home from work. I asked my mother if I could go outside to ride my bike. Being close to dinner time, she said, “No.”
“But that’s not fair!” I exclaimed.
“Life’s not fair,” she replied.
My dad stepped in and suggested, “Being summertime, perhaps if you give Mom some help with dinner preparations there will still be few more hours of daylight after we eat. Then you can go ride your bike.”
“OK,” I replied begrudgingly. As I set the table, I grumbled, “When I grow up, I’m going to let my children do whatever they want!”
It sounded like a good idea to me at the time. Of course, now I know better.
Fast forward thirty years. I now had two children of my own. On the seven-year-old’s birthday, we held a festive celebration. After the birthday boy opened the first gift, his 4-year-old brother grabbed one of the yet-unopened gifts and eagerly tore into the wrapping paper. I quickly reacted with, “That’s your brother’s birthday gift, not yours. Let’s give the present to him to open.”
As he clung tight to the package, little brother responded emphatically, “This one’s mine!”
I gently put my hand on the gift and instructed, “Today is your brother’s special day. You had your special day a few months ago. Now it’s his turn.”
“But that’s not fair!” the little one cried out.
I immediately recalled my departed mother’s voice say to me, “Life’s not fair.”
I restrained myself from repeating the phrase to my son, in preference of using the situation as a learning moment. The reality is, life is not always fair, nor should it be.
Over time I’ve discovered that life is a series of lessons about give and take, right and wrong, appropriate behavior, being your best-self, and making the world a better place by generously contributing. This may be a mature concept for a four- or even a seven-year-old to comprehend, but the earlier we impart such lessons to our children, the better off everyone is.
If you’ve read any of my blog posts on Moral Character and Virtuous Leadership, in recent months, you already know that I am a huge fan of the late, great Basketball Hall of Fame Coach, John Wooden—lovingly referred to as The Wizard of Westwood. I learned a great deal about leadership by observing Coach Wooden lead the UCLA Bruin basketball team to numerous consecutive NCAA Division One national titles during my college days. I’ll forever be grateful for the experience of learning from this exemplary role model.
In his book—written in collaboration with Steve Jamison—Wooden on Leadership: How to Create a Winning Organization, Coach Wooden explained how he came to adapt his leadership style and his approach to fairness:
At one point in my career, I told players I would treat them all the same way. This is what I told my own two children. I thought treating everyone the same was being fair and impartial.
Gradually I began to suspect that it was neither fair nor impartial. In fact, it was just the opposite. That’s when I began announcing that team members wouldn’t be treated the same or alike; rather, each one would receive the treatment they earned and deserved. This practice may sound discriminatory or suggest partiality, but it is neither. A player who is working hard and productively for the group shouldn’t receive the same treatment as someone who is offering less.
That’s precisely why only the very best players—the ones who were not only talented, but also dedicated enough, willing to put in the effort to do whatever it took to win championships in a sportsmanlike manner—were on Wooden’s team. Hence, they won the championship year after year.
I learned a similar lesson before college, when the leaders of my high school drill team selected me as one of the nine best dancers on the team to represent our school in a competitive audition to perform in Disneyland’s magical Christmas parade (I told this story in my book Heartfelt Leadership: How to Capture the Top Spot and Keep on Soaring.) I’m sure the other 100+ girls on our school drill team didn’t think it was fair that just nine of us were selected to participate in the Disneyland competition, but only the very best team would be hired. In the end, our best-of-the-best team of nine won the competition.
Once on the job, it was incumbent on each of us to give our personal best seven days a week, with no days off. While others may have complained this grueling work schedule wasn’t fair, we were honored and thrilled to be there. Through unfaltering dedication and by working together flawlessly, in perfect unison, we made the Disney magic—that our guests loved and expected—happen. And we were honored to have the privilege of doing so.
As Coach Wooden wrote in his annual preseason letter to the Bruin team in August 1972:
You may feel, at times, that I have double standards, as I certainly will not treat you all the same. However, I will attempt to give each player the treatment that he earns and deserves according to my judgement, and in keeping with what I consider to be in the best interest of the team. I know I will not be right in all my decisions, but I will attempt to be both right and fair.
By now, I think you know the answer to the question Should Leaders Always be Fair?
Yes, but…fairness isn’t about treating everyone the same way. Nor is it about ensuring everyone achieves an equal outcome, regardless of talent, effort, attitude, behavior, or circumstance. Rather, fairness is about giving all people the treatment they earn and deserve.
As my little ones learned early in life, when it is your birthday, it’s your turn to be honored and to generously give thanks for the gifts given to you. When it’s not your birthday, it’s your turn to generously give gifts and honor to others.
As a leader, treating people fairly requires good judgement. Always demonstrating a sense of fairness—reflecting what each person earns and deserves—is what’s important.