Lessons Mama Taught Us

By Deb Boelkes

One of the lessons my mama drilled into me more than any other, a lesson which shaped my life and how I later raised my own children, was this:

Privileges are granted only to those who honor and uphold their responsibilities. 

Mama taught me this lesson when I was very young and she reminded me of it quite often as I grew up.

Now, I understand some readers may feel strongly that some people automatically have “privilege” because of the color of their skin. I get that. I find it sad that in this day and age such beliefs and biases continue to prevail.

But in the home where I grew up, we were taught that any “privileges” we had were because of the content of our character, because of our behavior. A privilege had nothing to do with ancestral heritage.

In our house, responsibility came first. Privilege followed … but only if.   This lesson from my mama meant:

• I could only go outside to ride my bike or play with my friends if I had done all of my chores and finished all of my homework.
• If I didn’t get good grades, there would be no more after school activities until my grades improved to meet Mama’s expectations.
• If I didn’t behave properly, if I wasn’t nice and polite to everyone, if I didn’t treat everyone with respect Mama wasn’t going to be nice or polite to me. There would be serious penalties to pay: I would be banished to the dreaded time-out chair, where I would be required to sit quietly, alone, until I had taken plenty of time to think long and hard about whatever I had done wrong. I would be allowed out of the dreaded time-out chair only when I was able to clearly articulate what was inappropriate about my behavior, and only if I also apologized with remorse, and only if I committed to correct my behavior going forward.

For the most part, Mama got the behavior she intended from me. I was granted additional new “privileges”, meaning the pleasurable things I wanted to do, only when and if I honored and upheld all my assigned responsibilities on a sustained basis.

I’ve lived my entire life adhering to Mama’s code of conduct. I just assumed every American citizen was raised by such lessons learned from their mamas. 

What happened to George Floyd was abhorrent. Torture and killing are wrong and should never happen.  Same goes for the chaos, vandalism, mayhem, and additional carnage taking place across many of America’s largest cities. These are all abhorrent things that should never happen. I condemn them all.

Three questions replay in my mind each time I see yet another video of continued violence: 

What would your mama say if she saw you do that?

What would your mama do to you if she knew you were involved in that?

How would such actions on your part make your mama feel?

I lost my mama when I was 17 years old. It’s been a very long time since I had the privilege of hearing her voice admonishing me or comforting me, but I can still hear her venerable lessons in my mind. Mama would never approve of violence under any circumstance … far from it.

Regardless of color or creed, I expect most mamas would never approve of their child–of any age–breaking shop windows, looting and stealing, setting buildings or police cars ablaze … not to mention hurting and killing people.

I can hear Mama say right now:

THAT is NOT acceptable behavior.

I taught you to be better than that.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I couldn’t be more disappointed in you.

You’re going do whatever it takes to make amends for those actions.

I’m going to see to that.

And she would have.  

She would have made sure I turned myself in, fessed up to my actions, and worked my fingers to the bone to personally repair and/or pay for every dollar of damage I had caused or instigated.  Of course, it’s impossible to ever make amends for murder.

Think about it. What lessons did your mama teach you? What would your mama say to you?

Obviously, we have a very long way to go as a nation. But the only way to get to a better, more united place is one person at a time. It all begins with each one of us as individuals.

Let’s each of us honor and uphold the loving lessons our own mamas tried so hard to teach us.

Let’s each commit, from this day forward, to honor, love, and respect one another other based on the content of our character.