Do You Like Being Told What to Do?

By Deb Boelkes

Have you ever noticed how young children like to do things on their own, unassisted?

I get a kick out of watching my little granddaughters exert their independence when they finally get to the toddler stage, confident that they can dress themselves. If I sit down to help them put their shoes on the correct feet, the little one will emphatically push my hands away and say, “I do myself!” 

It doesn’t matter that they don’t know which shoe goes on which foot, or that they can’t fasten straps the way I would. “I do it!” they tell me—and they take pride in doing so, their own way. They don’t like being told what to do.

Fostering self-sufficiency, independence, and pride in fulfilling one’s own desires without the aid of others is an important aspect of leadership development, even for the very young 

A year later, I note the state of the granddaughter’s room when it’s time for a bedtime story. The bed is unmade from the night before. Toys and clothes are strewn everywhere.  In attempts to help her learn organizational skills, I’ll suggest, “Shall we tidy up your room first?” If I’m lucky, I’ll hear “OK” before mommy orders, “Clean up your room!” When that happens, the granddaughter is likely to respond with an emphatic “No!” They don’t like to be told what to do.   

Fostering self-sufficiency, independence, and pride in fulfilling one’s own desires without the aid of others is a vital aspect of leadership development for those growing up. 

While leading one of my monthly C-level roundtable groups, one CEO presented the group with a complaint about her Board Chair, who she claimed relished in telling her what to do and how to do it. “It’s like he’s got this power thing going on. It really irritates me. I may have my own way to do something, but I can handle it.” She clearly didn’t like being told what to do.

Fostering self-sufficiency, independence, and pride in fulfilling one’s own desires without the aid of others is a vital aspect of leadership development for those at the top.

A few months later, this same CEO presented the roundtable group with a challenge she was having with one of her direct reports. A newly hired VP wasn’t grasping the organizational politics. She was emphatic that she knew how to resolve a particular issue and was increasingly frustrated this vice president wasn’t acting on her advice.

The roundtable members finally asked her, “Do you recall the issue you shared with us about your Board Chair?”

She replied, “Of course.”

“Did you like it when he told you what to do and how to do it?”

“No.”

“Do you think this VP likes it when you tell him what to do and how to do it?”

After a moment of silence she replied, “Good point.”

Fostering self-sufficiency, independence, and pride in fulfilling one’s own desires without the aid of others is a vital aspect of leadership development, no matter where one is on the org chart. Heartfelt leaders know this. 

Referring to my January blog post, What the Military Knows about Heartfelt Leadership, Colonel Debra Lewis (U.S. Army, Retired), Founder of Mentally Tough Women, had this to say:

You may be able to achieve things in the short-term by not being a heartfelt leader, by enforcing the rules and doing only what you are told … but for enduring success, there is no way you’re going to attract and keep people in your organization and inspire them to do more than what you can explain to them. It’s helping them see and access all their talents and bring that to any new situation they face.  

Likewise, in my book The WOW Factor Workplace: How to Create a Best Place to Work Culture, decorated US Army combat veteran and chairman of Patriot Defense Group, Todd Wilcox, had this to say:

If you want the right employee, you’ve got to mentor him or her. You’ve got to develop employees over time.… I think that’s the critical part where heartfelt leadership comes into play, where you inspire that passion if you can…. Leadership is ALL about inspiration. You must inspire people to get things done.   

In my upcoming book, Women on Top: What’s Keeping You From Executive Leadership, you will find that Lt. General Kathleen Gainey had this to say when I asked her if somebody had been watching out for her or advising her as she came up through the ranks:

Absolutely. I always had people coaching and mentoring me…. I often had to go and learn, read books, and read regulations because my boss did not have time to teach all that. He had his own job to do. He would just say, “Here's your mission.” That is how I learned.  

Heartfelt leaders realize there is no single best way to do things. Every person is unique. Every situation is different. Just because we ourselves have knowledge and experience in some area, we should not assume what we did in a certain situation will work as effectively in another. We have our own special skills and strong suits while others have theirs. Whatever your style or whatever your strengths, your approach may not work for others, especially if they don’t buy into your instruction.

Heartfelt leaders know better than to command others in what to do and how to do things. Rather, they coach, inspire, and encourage people to achieve their personal best in their own unique ways.

Heartfelt leaders foster self-sufficiency, independence, and pride in fulfilling one’s own desires without their aid. Heartfelt leaders understand that doing so is a vital aspect of leadership development.

Inspiration is the key to enabling others to become heartfelt leaders themselves.