Is Everything You are Seeing for Real?

By Deb Boelkes

In my first book, The WOW Factor Workplace: How to Create a Best Place to Work Culture, I told the story of how my co-collaborator Mark Goulston, M.D. and I met—all due to my reading his best-selling book, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. 

In Just Listen, Dr. Mark defined “The Persuasion Cycle”—the process by which a successful communicator can get someone’s buy-in to do something they wouldn’t otherwise likely do and make them glad they did it. Heartfelt Leaders are typically quite adept at leveraging the Persuasion Cycle—in a good way—to build empathy and trust and enable team members to achieve their dreams.

That said, I’ve learned first-hand that sociopaths can also be quite adept at using The Persuasion Cycle in not-such-good ways. As Dr. Mark explains, sociopaths “only care about you doing what they want.”

If you’re not familiar with the term sociopath, here’s how Healthline.com defines it: People with the condition might seem charming and charismatic at first, at least on the surface, but they generally find it difficult to understand other people’s feelings. They often

• break rules or laws
• behave aggressively or impulsively
• feel little guilt for harm they cause others
• use manipulation, deceit, and controlling behavior

Does this remind you of anyone you are familiar with?    

As the above definition infers, sociopaths get your buy-in because—on the surface—they seem charming and charismatic. Then, without your awareness, they cleverly deceive you. “All the better to control you with, my dear.”  

I’ll never forget one guy I hired some years ago. He was as gracious, handsome, well-dressed, articulate, and charming as any gentleman could be. But once on board, I quickly found him unpredictable. First, he would beg off attending team meetings. “I have a client meeting,” he would claim. Then I started hearing from clients that he wasn’t showing up for scheduled appointments. When I would ask him about it, he would claim there was an unavoidable emergency, and would promise to make up for it.

At first, I took him at his word, but—long story short—I eventually discovered he was lying to cover up for an affair he was having. Because he didn’t want me or anyone else to know what he was up to, he used what I now call the green screen technique—he fabricated a whole variety of background stories to cover up what he was really up to.

Everything finally came to light one Friday when his wife called me in a panic. She told me she hadn’t seen or heard from him all week. She thought he was travelling on business and urgently needed to find him due to a family emergency. I had to inform her that he wasn’t travelling, at least not on company business. 

These days, it seems as though deception and lies are happening all around us. Whether dealing with someone at work or at home, in your community, or even while watching TV, how can you tell if what you are seeing and/or hearing is the truth? How can you determine when you are being played by a sociopath, a bully, or a liar? In some cases, your very life could depend on your ability to not just discern deception but arrest it before it destroys you or someone you love (Dr. Mark wrote an interesting piece on this a while back).

As a heartfelt leader, I tend to trust people from the get-go, yet I practice the philosophy of trust but verify. I give people the space to prove if they are untrustworthy. While getting to know the person, I observe their behavior and assess how they treat others. I listen to the words they use, and more importantly, I analyze what they don’t say. I evaluate the choices they make and how their decisions impact others, either positively or negatively. It’s like putting a puzzle together. Based on all these factors, I can better predict what to expect in the future. I can then take appropriate mitigative actions to prevent potential problems.  

It’s always my hope that those who I trust will create a beautiful masterpiece. But occasionally, and sometimes quickly, a little red flag goes up in the back of my mind—like that innate fight-or-flight response. That’s when I know I must ask more questions and do more research to get to the full truth. It’s like finding all the hidden puzzle pieces to complete the picture.   

Sometimes the facts are difficult or even impossible to uncover. Sociopaths are experts when it comes to hiding what they don’t want you to know. They will flat out lie to you and everyone else.  You must be prepared for that.

In any event, you can challenge them—nicely. Simply look them in the eye and say, “Help me understand ….” whatever it is—as though you really need their help. Put them in control, right where they like to be.

Sometimes I’ll have to go through several iterations down a given line of questioning until they either come clean or back themselves into a corner. If they back into a corner, watch out for fireworks. If you are lucky, the sociopath will quickly divorce themself from your relationship—they don’t want to be outed and they rarely change / improve their behavior.

If they choose to depart the relationship, I try to be friendly and gracious about it. My motto is Never burn a bridge.  Besides, a sociopath will usually burn that bridge on their own.

Back to my affair-guy story. The first time I sat down with him to have a heartfelt, “Help me understand…” conversation, he behaved as I expected and gave me some smoke & mirrors excuse, promising it would never happen again. I explained why his behavior was not acceptable and how things must change going forward. Anything less would not be tolerated.

Upon his third strike-out, I simply put him on a performance plan and made it clear that he was in control. Either he honored our documented agreement, or he would no longer be employed with us. It was his decision.

At the end of 30 days, I shook his hand with a smile and gave him his final paycheck. It wasn’t personal to me. It was just business. Bottomline: I don’t tolerate deception—at work, at home, or by my government.

Heartfelt leaders must hold themselves and others accountable for their actions, inactions, and deceit. Why? Because trust is critical in relationships.  With trust, you can have more powerful conversations to help everyone grow, improve, and have a WOW factor life.

So, learn to discern when what you are seeing and/or hearing is not for real—and then be brave enough to hold the deceivers accountable. That’s what true heartfelt leaders do. It’s all about serving the greater good.

Admittedly, it takes bravery and a willingness to step up to the challenge. For a great example of bravery in holding public deceivers accountable, check out this article by Dr. Robert Malone. 

Be that kind of heartfelt leader.